Today while I was in the shower sudsing my locks up in the most amazing shampoo on the planet (Redken's Blonde Glam - Woohoo.. Total Fav!), I was thinking about my current state of mind. Happy? Not so much. Hopeful? Hell no. Glum? Close but not quite. Full on depressed with a serious dose of apathy?!? Hell fucking yes.
It was a weird realization. I mean, I know that 2009 was probably the hardest year I can remember as of late. I was laid off in December 2008 (thank you very much Mr. Economy) but didnt really feel the full effects of that until well into 2009. Still though, I had been pretty hopeful regarding 2009. Full of a kind of blind hope that really hung on one thing - my Master.
The kick to the curb he gave me wasn't even really a kick. I think it was more like one of punts that you see those NFL kickers make. You know the ones right? The ones that make you just really sure he couldn't possibly have a nut sack in there because otherwise how did he get his leg so high?!?
I think that kick changed my whole perception of myself. I have felt inferior. Less than. Less than what? I'm not really sure. But just not quite good enough to please the one person in the world I wanted to. Isnt that really saying something too?
When I was divorcing, I tried to work through it. I tried to stick with it so long. I waited for it to be better. Years I waited. I waited despite the obvious signs of relationship distress. I waited through his mistresses calling the house.
It was when I realized, I didnt care where he was anymore. I didnt care who he was sleeping with as long as it wasn't me. It was when I knew I didnt want him to come home, that it was over. I remember the clarity I gained that day.
Today was the same. It breaks my heart. But there's no going back anymore.
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