Moving On

I'm sitting here tonight.. Supposed to be doing homework.. Not so much. I've been watching the back the heads of my son and nephew as they play xbox.. I've got my earbuds plugged in my ears to avoid the sound of automatic gunfire and screaming zombies going splat..

The song "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flats is sounding in my head..

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know theres no guarentees, but Im not alone
There comes a time in everyones life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

This song has me lingering. It has me closing my eyes and thriving on the words.

I think I've been in this proverbial holding pattern for almost a year now. Many of you know why. Some of you know the depth of the hurt. It takes a lot to make a person hide away from the rest of the world.

But I did.

I think in the last year I took a darker view of the world. The world full of takers and ugliness. Sad.. it made me so sad. There was an inevitability of hurt as I saw it. That human contact was determined to result in some measure of pain. It takes a lot to make someone lose their faith in humanity.

But I did.

This song talks about dealing with your ghosts and demons. I have them. Heck, I have a lot of them. They're like boogeymen hiding under the bed making you afraid to put your foot down. Like when you step down out of bed your foot will be sucked down and locked into place. Stuck there so that you see that hand slipping out from under the dust ruffle.. bony fingers gripping into your heel and tearing at your limb.. Then you realize you aren't really stuck, immersed into the floor boards.. Youre just afraid.. Frozen in fear..

I've been that afraid.

Over the last year, friends have tried to nudge me forward. I couldn't budge. I refused to budge. I knew all too well where I was but it wasn't foreign to me anymore. New meant foreign. I didn't have a thick enough skin to go there again.

The last year nearly destroyed me in so many ways.

And now?

I think I can move again. I think I feel something creeping back into my veins. I think I am feeling determined again. Not strong. Not yet.

But I will.