So Much For November..

Sigh..

I'm sitting here in my pajamas on the floor. I should be working. I have a lot to do. My mind is numb though.

Remind me again why people are drawn to relationships.. and commitments?

If I had my druthers..

Part of me is inclined to pour a nice glass of wine.. or even a vodka highball. I shouldn't though.. that doesn't solve anything.

My knee hurts. The news was better this week. Xrays weren't life altering. It still hurts though despite the prescription. I am still limping. I am feeling like maybe I should have gone to the doctor this past summer when a little bird outright insisted. Shoulda.. Woulda.. Coulda..

The doc spoke of scoping it. Do you realize that means a needle being inserted in my knee?

I nearly peed myself when he said that!

I found out tonight my ex is deploying again this spring. That means my baby boy will most likely be getting orders soon too. Just acknowledging that makes me cry. The night he left the last time.. it was like the further he drove away from me the less and less air I had in my lungs. I could feel myself suffocating with complete sadness.

A whole.. complete sadness.

My ex wanted to jack around with my holiday schedule too with the boys. Because somehow, because he chose to join the Army when he knew he'd be deploying over and over again somehow meant that my desire to have holidays with my children would go completely out the window.

Fuck him.

He didn't even have the balls to call me himself. He put the choice up to my boys again with the rationale that he wouldn't be home for Thanksgiving next year. Seven days from my holiday plans and now he wants to do this????

Vodka sounds better than wine.

The worst part is my baby calling me to talk about it and him hearing me cry. I tried to stop because I don't want to be that parent. The parent that uses his emotions to manipulate him into doing what I want. I don't want to be that parent.

God I hope that man has a permanent case of chafe the whole time his ass is playing in that sandbox.

I took the whole week off work to spend with my boys. Now I'm going to be wondering if they would really want to be spending it with their dad because they know he won't be home.

Damn him for doing this.

My knee hurts right now.. but I swear, I could still plant it in his balls if I were in the same room.