Dark Dreams..

i dreamed a dream filled with blue and white gingham dressed and white cotton aprons.. with ribbons and trim and bubble gum blowing and smiling eyes gleaming back in the reflection of the shiney buckled shoes..

And in my dream filled with the smell of bubble gum and pinwheels.. fluffy white cotton ball clouds float through the sky in their own private dance as if they were in time prancing loose freed only a moment ago from a vagabond merry go round.. chirping little birds flutter about hoping to catch the warm lofty breeze under their downey soft wings..

So there in my dream.. is this amazingly surreal setting.. how amazing.. how divine.. little puppy dogs so perfectly manicured playing ball tenderly with little baby kittens..

And i turn the page in my dream.. i see myself turning the page and i realize.. this pastoral scene i have become so enamoured with is nothing more than a 1950's child's reader and picture book.. in color no less.. its so bright and pretty..

and i glance to the left.. and i glance to the right slowly up.. and i see.. i clearly see..

no gingham.. no white cotton aprons.. the brightness and color has been replaced by dismal darkness.. where warmness had once been so easily exuded.. now, existed a cold emptiness..
and then.. at that precise moment i could feel it..the beat.. a resounding, crushing, deafening single heartbeat.. as if someone took a sledgehammer and beat me in the chest..

and then.. again.. another blow.. the cacophony in your chest is growing louder.. another blow.. theyre coming faster..they are actually jarring you from your seated position.. causing you to look up..

and thats when you see there is no door.. and no window.. and so there, you stay with images of blue and white checks.. puppy dogs and kittens.. and gray bleak walls.. swirling through your head..

until it stops..

Power and Awe

How powerful are you..
i am in awe..
Words trickle from your lips
Like water from a fountain..
With those, You've given clarity
To my world, You've brought definition..
You are my purpose..
my focus and yet my dream..
Comfort is found in Your sigh..
Happiness in Your laughter..
To be less.. less than perfect for You..
Defeats my desire for You..
Your strength compells me...
Downward.. to my knees.. to yield..
Because You are my Master..
And i.. i am Your slave..

I Had a Dream..

i dreamed a little dream.. it came to me in whispers and breaths of fleeting thoughts .. heavy and wordy and formal and crisp all at the same time...

and when i dreamed this dream.. i saw myself standing there.. unaware that i was watching me.. and watching the dream.. the dream moved forward.. it lived through me.. it breathed through me..

so in my little dream i stood .. hands outstretched.. reaching.. waiting.. feeling for something.. for someone.. for Him.. He had to be there.. just beyond my reach... waiting for me.. i could see me grasping at the air.. fingertips fluttering through the atmosphere .. dancing along feeling for His skin.. and yet, He evades my touch..

this little dream is so real.. im so real.. and He's so real.. He moves all around me.. just to the left.. and.. just to the right.. around and under my hand..

i can see my face.. how earnest it is.. panicked almost at first.. frustration sets in.. frustration and anger.. im watching myself grow weary of the hunt.. weary of fumbling for the evasive one.. weary of standing there alone..

my little dream moved on.. and then.. a funny thing happened.. i watched myself turn .. turn my head towards me.. how could this be? i turned my head and looked and i could see myself.. i was watching me..

in the mirror.. in my dream.. and he was gone.

Dream a Dream for Me..

i dreamed a dream that was a dream.. it was a a dream that dreamed of me.. the dream was simple and smiling and happy.. with skies of blue all through the day.. it dreamed of me because afterall, it was my dream and it wouldnt make sense for anyone else to dream my dream.. that would be awful rabbit hole-ish, wouldnt you say?

so here was my dream in all of its glory.. all alone for what could it be.. married to what ? a nightmare? thats just another marriage.. and who needs that.. i surely dont.. so there it stood recounting the days.. days gone by.. days that started out and were so blue.. blue like the day in my dream..

my dream was all the days blurred into one.. an amalgamation of days.. dreaming of me.. a week of days.. a year of days.. dreaming of me.. mornings.. noons.. and nights.. dreaming of me.. remembering me... me in white calfskin ankle high toddler shoes.. ruffled bottom britches and blue easter dress...happy smiling.. me.. remembering me and wandering by..

me in my cotton jumper.. and perversion .. distortion.. chaos around me.. pigtails.. braids.. all i want for christmas is my two front teeth and my curly haired barbie doll.. dreaming of me.. dark hair.. tan skin painted with dotted freckles.. soft little lashes pressed together when the eyes closed to everything around me.. and there was me..

me dreaming of me.. kicking ass and taking names.. saying to hell with you all and your reckless abandon.. in one of my other dreams i realized i was on my own and dreamed i needed to take care of myself and started doing it.. well sorta.. its not always easy when theyre that big.. and sometimes even when you try.. you cant get those lashes together anymore to dream of you..
a decade of weeks of dreams.. sweet.. silent.. dont shut me in.. dont throw me down the rabbit hole and bury me alive in my dreams.. now matter how real there arent any shovels that come to fruition.. and there is only so many dreams one girl can take before she totally loses her sense of reality and a panic sets in..

a dream of dreams that set to screams of panic and chaos and squeals of fright.. it was a dream for me to have for free a dream for me to dream of me to dream this night of nights....